Why did the old man fall in the well? He couldn't see that well.
What is the best thing about living to be over 100? No peer pressure.
I visited a retiree who was in the hospital and gave a very long prayer. As I left I told him I hoped he got better. He said, "I hope you do too."
After retirement people dream of being a muffler . . . because they wake up exhausted.
Remixes of famous songs:
“You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon.
“How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the BeeGees.
“I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash.
“These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra.
“Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores.
“I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles.
“Talking’ About My Medication” by the Who.
“Bald Thing” by the Troggs.
“You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones.
What happens after each profession retires…
Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
- Golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.
- Lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.
- Accountants don’t retire, they just lose their balance.
- Bank managers don’t retire, they just lose interest.
- Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.
- Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.
- Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.
- Musicians never retire, they just decompose.
- Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.
- Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.
- Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.
- Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.
I was at an ATM and this retired lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Alright, I'm going to stop telling jokes about retired people . . . because none of them work.