Dear Uncle Bill,
In my former career, I had several co-workers I considered friends. After retirement, it has become increasingly difficult to keep in touch with them. When we worked together, it was easy to find time for sharing stories, but now, not so much. Friend time that was previously an excuse not to work is now on the list of all the other obligations of life for them. I miss this camaraderie. I tried showing up a donut time at work just to chat but it was a bit awkward. Any suggestions? -Friendless in Fonda
Dear Friendless,
In talking to many people about retirement, most of them do not even expect to keep their work friends after they leave. With some exceptions, notably if you stay working a bit, work friends are the product of the environment. You may have had great fun stapling newsletters with coworkers, but may find that enterprise lacks a certain appeal when it is not required of you in order to eat.
This turns out to be a problem because it's a little harder to find friends as we age. We become just a bit pickier with diets and past times and music and conversational topics and these proclivities may limit our pool of potential friends. We may have less patience with people who are intolerant of our political opinions.
We may have also simply forgotten how to make friends. They require at least as much attention as a car. A friend needs reciprocity, attention, greater focus in times of their struggle, non-judgmental listening, loyal defense to others, noticing of special events, and expressions of appreciation. Whew. After looking at this list, I have come to the conclusion that I am often a rotten friend. But I'm old. Can I use that as an excuse? No? Rats.
We may not hang out in places where people are looking for new social entanglements. Lingering on a barstool for hours eyeing potential friends sounds a little creepy. There must be some places that you can find folks with similar interests to replace those who you stapled with.
Social engagement turns out to be important for a satisfactory retirement and may require some initiative on your part to join something or other. I know people who joins choirs without any singing abilities whatsoever. Don't make me name names. Largish religious places have all sorts of interests groups regardless of your acceptance of all 143 of their beliefs. Don't forget that there are organizations that turn out to be predominantly social by definition. Italian, Irish, or Maltese social clubs usually take members in some auxiliary fashion even if you, like me, have no idea what your ethnic roots are. Libraries have great programs even if you can only bear to read headlines in newspapers. Do I have to go on? You don't need to have a bunch of credentials to show up someplace to see if it will be a fun place to hang out and meet people that might qualify as a friend. There are, of course, senior center type places just for this, but I simply can't bear to think of them. I'm not retired yet!