Ask Uncle Bill: Mismatched Retirements

Dear Uncle Bill,

My wife, who in in the same profession as myself, is much younger than I am. Really. If it weren't so flattering in some fashion, I would be embarrassed. And I yet may be. Anyway. What on earth is going to happen in retirement? She has a great job and likes it and is very effective at it.  Her office is very close to our house in, um, Corn Flats, New York.  When I retire, should I just sit around and watch Netflix all day without her?  Or travel about on my own?  Should I learn to cook and clean?  Please say I don't have to do this.  And when she is old enough to retire, I will be, by then, fairly embalmed in one way or the other. Will she have to cart my carcass about on the back of her motorcycle?  - Concerned in Corn Flats

Dear Concerned,
Well.  You should talk to your wife about this first of all.  But I hear that she is a good listener.  You may have a head start on this if you already vacation in a more sedate fashion, say on a quiet lake in Maine. She may not notice that you don't jog to the store for a morning snack when you never ever did that anyway.  For example. So you are a lucky dog.
For some, this is a serious consideration and age does not need to be the factor.  Sometimes because of health, or whatever, one person is much more something or other than before and adjustments have to be made.  At some point, I can guarantee you that one person's health will be much worse. No fair hoping for some tragedy that takes you both at once.  Conditions change and people change, but that is a challenge and a joy, not a sentence.  I bet that if you look back on your life, you would be able to identify several revolutions that took place in your life together that you survived. I mean the family thing is no easy burden on a relationship and you got through those changes.  Challenge the empty visions of simply sitting on a rocking chair together until you both croak from boredom at the same time.  It's just fine if someone is out doing the things and someone else is not.

How Much is Enough to Retire On?

To start our thinking, perhaps we should consider how much it takes to live on in America and be happy whether we are retired or not. A study in the journal Nature Human Behavior used available data for over 1.7 million people and found that the optimal income for emotional well-being was between 60 and 75 thousand dollars a year.

In 2010, a Princeton study had similar results, finding that people are happiest when they make about 75K a year.  A Purdue study made clear that it was possible to make too much money and that satisfaction declined after 95,000.  They found that income after that can lead to "unhealthy social comparisons and unfulfilling material pursuits."

Now, this wasn't about retirement, but it could be.  I have read plenty of money managers for whom this doesn't make any sense to them at all.  For most of them, more is always better.  Let's be careful of what we plan for.  You may not need as much as you think.  By the way, if you are about to retire and have found yourself to have more than $95,000 income lined up, the First Reformed Church of Schenectady has some exciting mission proposals for you to save you from the horror of having more than that.

If you don't have nearly that much in the piggy bank, there are plenty of blogs to help you be happy on whatever it is that is coming in. "lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust consume, and where thieves don't break through and steal."  Somebody said that once.

Retirement Bad Humor

Why did the old man fall in the well?  He couldn't see that well.

What is the best thing about living to be over 100?  No peer pressure.

I visited a retiree who was in the hospital and gave a very long prayer.  As I left I told him I hoped he got better.  He said, "I hope you do too."

After retirement people dream of being a muffler . . . because they wake up exhausted.

Remixes of famous songs:
“You’re So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon.
“How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the BeeGees.
“I Can’t See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash.
“These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra.
“Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores.
“I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles.
“Talking’ About My Medication” by the Who.
“Bald Thing” by the Troggs.
“You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones.

What happens after each profession retires…

• Golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.
• Lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.
• Accountants don’t retire, they just lose their balance.
• Bank managers don’t retire, they just lose interest.
• Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.
• Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.
• Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.
• Musicians never retire, they just decompose.
• Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.
• Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.
• Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.
• Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.

Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.

I was at an ATM and this retired lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Alright, I'm going to stop telling jokes about retired people  . . . because none of them work.

Retirement Inbox

I have had the joy of a 'practice' retirement as I have take my sabbatical this summer.  One of the things that changed dramatically is the size of my email inbox.  Colleagues and folks in general knew about the sabbatical and didn't really write me about the administrative business of life. I got my inbox down to about 20 and kept it there the entire time fairly effortlessly.  This is important in Gmail because you can only fit 50 on a screen at a time and once you get to the second page, it's hard to get a sense of the whole in order to deal what what needs to be dealt with. 

I have started back a little earlier than I expected and almost immediately my inbox jumped to 75.  Which is to say that I am now already overwhelmed with perfectly reasonable things that need attention. O yes.  I remember now why people retire. Once it gets to the second page, there is always a dim suspicion that you are not reading something you are supposed to be reading, and therefore not doing. 

Especially in the ministry business where there is, by definition, an infinite amount of work to be done, it was a wonderful respite to not have that background guilt adding up like emails.  Ministry is tough because most of what we do is NOT in an email setting and includes being sensitive to programs, parishioners, family and friends who need our attention.  We are always disappointing someone and it's a relief for that to go away for a bit. 

Ask Uncle Bill: Caretaking

Dear Uncle Bill,
I've just retired and I was really looking forward to a time of leisure and travel.  Unfortunately, my parents are both frail in their health and need pretty constant attention.  If it's not one, it's the other that need a ride or help with this or that.  I feel guilty resenting all the time I spend taking care of them, but the fact is, I do. I look after the grand kids on occasion as well and caretaking is feeling like a full time job.  I just can't imagine going away for a month on a trip.  Help!  - Guilty in Grand Rapids

Dear Guilty,
I can imagine the different feelings that you are having. Whew.  Well. I do have some suggestions because there are ways of getting help commonly available. These suggestions will require you to reach out into the community, however, in a way that you may not have before.

1. Find a caretaker support group.  There are many around and about. No matter how it turns out, talking about this tension and hearing other's solutions is helpful. Lots of people are in this situation.
2. Consider joining a community.  Religious and social institutions often have built in care and visit programs.
3. Get home health care for your folks even when it's not a crisis. There are several companies in the area.  You could even start by sniffing around for a trusted house cleaner if you or your folks don't have one yet.  If your folks are very ill, hospice is a great deal of help.  You don't have to be on death's door for this, either.
4. Find wonderful, closer travel ideas.  Canada!  Saratoga!  It doesn't have to be a 8 hour plane ride to be interesting.  This will keep you around enough to jump if at a crisis. Firmly schedule the trip and work on back ups.
5. Get a life.  If you don't have things popping in your own life it's extra hard to decline a petition for a little help in someone else's.
6. Talk about the guilt thing with the family and people used to talking about complex feelings.  Bottled up is not good.
7. As your relationship with your parents continues to be redefined, try recovering some of the old joys.  I bet you played cards with them in the past.  Take them to a political demonstration.  Grandkids? what can you all play at?  I played gin with a much older aunt of mine when I was in elementary school and it was good fun.  She had no mercy.

Off Topic: The Limits of Loyalty

Honest to goodness, I had started a blog with this title a week before our president recently decided that Jews who voted for Democrats were ‘disloyal.’

I fully understand that political systems, to one extent or another, are built on loyalty. Leaders trust in the loyalty of insiders and supporters to keep things positive and not be constantly criticizing efforts in the public forum. These people support the program of the leader or the movement even if they have a few qualms. They swallow their critiques either for a greater good, or for their own personal interests. As coalitions are built and trust established, people may come to increase their loyalty as they see greater evidence of productivity or personal gain.

As cognitive dissonance increases, it becomes harder to maintain the boundary between the object of our loyalty and our own positions. So especially in today’s political setting, at every point where loyalty is in conflict with other principles we hold, it is important to consider whether this loyalty is worth the compromises or even the lies that are required to remain ‘loyal.’ Some cultures hold loyalty higher than others. Many countries in Africa and eastern Europe, for instance, value personal loyalty to the extent that any criticism of people in your own party is not well tolerated. This kind of loyalty means a pervasive secrecy of true feelings and obviously leads to an ‘us/them’ polarity that makes it difficult to have nuanced discussions about complex things. Like Israeli policies in relation to the Palestinians, for instance.

I feel badly for Republicans (and Israelis) who have had their loyalties marketed for such awful agendas so often lately. We need to remind each other over and over again that loyalty is no excuse for blind unanimity, lack of transparency, or failing to have healthy discussions about how we can be better together.

In relation to the slander against 'disloyal' Jews who vote Democratic, even the ADL attacked this, noting that "The charge of disloyalty has been used to harass, marginalize, and persecute the Jewish people for centuries." It was a base appeal designed to further the divisions between Jews themselves as well as 'loyalists' and people Trump believes are the enemies of Israel and the United States. 

Our country is based on the awe-inspiring notion of democracy that actually values free access to truth; lively, respectful debate; and cherishes the engagement that can produce a better government and richer relationships.  I am loyal to this notion above all.

Schenectady Retirement Roundtable Group To Meet

I know that many many of those of you who read these very random posts do not reside in the Capitol District.  For those of you who do, I am going to convene a retirement roundtable that meets once a month just to chat about things. It will meet

First Wednesdays at 7:30am in the Mohawk House of First Reformed Church. 

It will not be a particularly religious gathering unless that happens to come up.  It will be a group of people who are interested in this topic either because they are retired, about to retire, or planning on it in some way. The time is carefully chosen so that people who are working can probably come and the people who are retired can have a reason to get out of the dam bed.  We will focus on one of my posts from this place right here until we run out of them.  Then who knows?  We might all be dead.

What to Do in Retirement

You know that I am not terribly bossy and like to encourage people to find their own answers to problems, but here I am going to give a huge array of suggestions that you may wish to follow up on.  They are written in the imperative, but you don’t have to do any of these for me to like you.  Additions are welcome.

Do more of what you like
What do you like? It sounds like a funny question, but sometimes we fall into patterns for all sorts of reasons, not always because we like what we are doing. It actually may take some serious reflection to figure out what brings you joy.

Don’t Retire, Take a Sabbatical Instead
I know of what I speak here.  For me, a sabbatical was a very refreshing change of pace that really changed how I see the things I used to do.  The relief of stress also takes some of the emotional drudgery out of of working and you can recover some of the early joy. I honestly can’t remember some of the things that I got worked up about just before the sabbatical. Many fields have this as a continuing part of the general expectations, but even if yours doesn’t, give it a shot. I recommend a minimum of 3 months with a very very light agenda. Yes, this is supposed to be about learning, but if the learning is too much work, you won’t get the joys of the sabbath. Later on you’ll hear about a sabbatical that changed someone’s whole view of the future.

Travel
The little poll I took at the beginning of this journey suggested that a good percentage of people were looking forward to travelling. This may mean getting good at it: not paying too much, learning who you like to travel with, what kind of places are best for you, what kind of things you hate, . . .

Become an Entrepreneur
The Ewing Marion Kaufman Foundation has found that about a quarter of all new businesses started in that year were owned by people aged 55 to 64.  This may or may not mean opening a shop of some type. There are also many possibilities for making and/or selling things online,  or thinking up a new solution and marketing it.

Go to Summer Camp
Grownupcamps.com is a fun directory of camps for adults. They don’t own the camps but rather help people find them so don’t worry. There are more camps for retired folks than you might imagine!

Relocate Seasonally
While I’m not sure dashing to Florida the instant you are retired is a good idea, Spending some serious time in one other place has its rewards, especially if family or finances are involved.  There are many options to jut buying another place.

Try a House Swap: If you’re someplace and want to try out someplace else, house swap services match you with another homeowner who wants the opposite, and you trade houses temporarily. Try HomeExchange.com, HomeLink.com and IntervacHomeExchange.com.  Especially since AirBNB these things have gotten more standardized and you don’t have to worry much about disasters.

Relocation is not only a different house but maybe a job. If you migrate seasonally, it is likely you can find employment to service the vacationers!  You might look into being a campground host, ski slope attendant, or lifeguard.  I’m trying to imagine myself being a lifeguard at some beach.  Not a pretty sight, but I’m sure others might be OK. Try the following services for seasonal employment opportunities and ideas: Coolworks.com or BackDoorJobs.com.

Grow a Garden
Working outdoors when the weather is nice makes life worth living, at least for some people.  I might enjoy harvesting some fruits if it were easy, but that’s about it.  Sadly, studies suggest that gardening is an activity that can add years to your life.  It could even become a source of income.  Doing it naturally nowadays is also quite a learning experience. They tell me.

Write
Please note that I have no formal education in retirement studies or anything like that and yet here I am doing this. You don’t have to write the Great American Novel right off the bat. Short fiction is great fun and there is a group at First Reformed for it. You could start with a stirring letter to the editor or a blog post about your favorite recipe for tuna fish salad.  You could post something witting and loving on Facebook as a change of pace.  Even the book thing is easier these days, If you want to publish a book, Amazon lets you write, upload, create a book cover, and more.

Become a Teacher
There are schools here and abroad that need your skills, even if it is just how to speak english well.  Tutors in all kinds of fields are always in demand and it keeps you in charge of your schedule. Platforms like Wyzant matches students to people who need help.

Volunteer for a Worthy Cause
Volunteering lets you give back to the community in ways that often benefit the volunteer just as much. And because you’re not in it for a paycheck, you can be much choosier about the organizations that you help and exactly what you want to do.  A study by the Washington University in St. Louis reports, “Older adults who volunteer and who engage in more hours of volunteering report higher levels of well-being.” This study ways that the benefits of volunteering are the same no matter your gender, race or social status.

Remodel Your House
I don’t really mean hiring someone to do all the work, although sometimes that sure is a job.  I mean the tedious and rewarding crafting of new space.

Downsize Your Home 
Have you tried moving lately?  Doing a good job of downsizing after collecting stuff for a lifetime can take a few years. It will keep you busy.

Stay Vital
Well, it’s about this whole list really. Having a place to go. Having people (or animals) that rely on you.  Maintaining a schedule.  Being social. Having a purpose.  Learning new things.  These are all activities that are scientifically proven to keep you healthy and happy.

Learn Something Musical
Whether or not you did this in the past, there are HUNDREDS of people teaching musical things all around you.  Piano is a common starting point, and so is guitar. Don’t forget that your voice is also an instrument. I recommend the ukulele. I must warn you. It’s tedious. But rewarding.

Get in Shape, You Tuber!
In the Capital Region there are hundreds of classes and places to get in shape.  Really.  Almost anytime between 4am and midnight, there is a place for you. Some places boss you around more than others, some places cost more than others, but with a little research, you can find a place.

Grow Your Friend Base
Too often, retirees stick progressively closer and closer to home as time moves on. What might have been a rich circle of friends could dwindle more and more until only a few remain in your life. While there’s nothing wrong with enjoying being alone, friends help you stay connected to the world and give you a greater sense of purpose.  Our friend Dorothy, who is in her 90s says finding younger friends has kept her sane.

Work on the Future
It’s going to last longer than you think. Decades!  We work on our careers for many years of education and then not so much on a period that might last as long if we are lucky. It’s a work of imagination, reflection, education, and spiritual renewal.

Do that Internet Thing
The very fact that you are reading this blog is a good sign, but things change fast!  Even the basics of communicating change so you need to expect to learn new things.  You also have to keep track of who communicates how since at this very moment, most kids in school communicate with texting, normal adults with email, and a bunch of retirees are discovering Facebook mostly to keep track of their family.

Spend Time with Your Family
In some places I have visited to talk about retirement, the highlight of their plans are centered around taking care of the grandkids.  While this may or may not sound like fun to you, it has proven to be a source of joy around the world and a way of keeping connections strong. If you don’t have any grandkids or close family, there are ways of establishing close ties with churches and finding families who need help. 

Get a Hobby!
The bold ones here are things I know that there are groups or classes about in the Capital District, in boring alphabetical order: Activism. Amateur Radio. Antiquing. Aquariums. Archery. Art. Astronomy. ATVs. Badminton. Baking. Baton twirling. Baseball. Basketball. Beekeeping. Beach clean up. Biking. Birding.  Board games. Book club. Boomerangs. Brewing Beer. Bridge. Calligraphy. Camping. Cartooning. Casinos. Chess. Collage. Collecting. Composing Music. Cooking. Crafting. Crochet. Crossfit. Crossword puzzles, Dancing. Darts. Daydreaming. DJ. Drones. Electronics. Entertaining. Fashion design. Fencing. Fishing. Flower arranging. Football. Flying. Four wheeling. Genealogy. Geocaching. Geology. Golf. Graffiti. Hot air balloons. Hiking. Horses. Hunting. Inventing. Jewelry making. Joining a Band. Journaling. Juggling. Kayaking. Kites. Knitting. Lawn bowling. Letter writing, Mahjong. Make movies. Marathons. Martial Arts. Metal Detecting. Mixology. Museums. Models. Motorcycles. Mycology (mushrooms).  Online Games. Orienteering. Origami. Paintball. Painting. Paragliding. Playing an Instrument. Photography. Ping pong. Poker. Pottery. Printing in 3d.  Puppetry, Reading. Remote control cars. Road trips. Rock climbing. Robotics. Roller skating. Rowing. Running. Sailing. Sandcastles.  Scuba. Sculpting. Senior olympics. Sewing. Singing in a choir. Skiing. Snorkeling. Snowboarding. Soccer. Socializing. Storm chasing. Swimming. Surfing. Tai Chi. Tennis. Theater. Trampolines. Topiary. Upcycling. Volleyball. Water colors. Wine making. Wine tasting.  Woodshop. Wood carving.  Writing. Yoga. Yo yos.  Ziplining. Zoology. Zumba.

Retirement Pep Talk - Quotes

Well. Some days we need encouragement and positive thoughts. For those days, here is a set of aphorisms about retirement. I like just looking at the titles of the books they are from. I'm going to bold the ones I really like.

“Retirement is a blank sheet of paper. It is a chance to redesign your life into something new and different.” Patrick Foley, Winning at Retirement

"Retirement gives you the time literally to recreate yourself through a sport, game, or hobby that you always wanted to try or that you haven't done in years." Steven D. Price, How to Survive Retirement

“Retirement is a new beginning, and that means closing the book on one chapter in order to begin the next.” Sid Miramontes, Retirement: Your New Beginning

"Retirement, a time to do what you want to do, when you want to do it, where you want to do it, and, how you want to do it." Catherine Pulsifer

"We work all our lives so we can retire - so we can do what we want with our time - and the way we define or spend our time defines who we are and what we value." Bruce Linton, Fatherhood

"Retirement is .... a time to experience a fulfilling life derived from many enjoyable and rewarding activities." Ernie J. Zelinski, The Joy of Not Working

"Please remember that retirement is a different way of life, with new challenges and opportunities. You need to adapt and adjust to this new lifestyle, and that takes time, effort, and creativity." Rick Steiner Ph.D., Retirement: Different by Design

" . . . there is an exciting world of possibilities out there that very few of us get the chance to explore during our working lives, but retirement is that time!" Stella Rheingold, 101 Fun Things to do in Retirement

“.. retiring from your primary career is not merely an act of ending, but, more opportunistically and relevant, an act of commencement and of the promise of a meaningful future.” Alan Spector, After the Cheering Stops

“Retirement is not a life without purpose; it is the on-going purpose that provides meaningfullless.” Robert Rivers

“... retirement is a time for personal growth, which becomes the path to greater personal freedom.” Mark Evan Chimsky, 65 Things To Do When You Retire

"Retire the word 'retirement' from your vocabulary. Look it up: it means to 'withdraw' or 'retreat.' Words can shape reality, and it's time for this one to go. Doesn't 'renaissance' or 'graduation' or 'transition' better describe your postcareer life?” Marika Stone, Too Young to Retire

“After all those years of seriously doing what you had to do to make a living and raise a family, now you can be a clown, work at Disneyland helping Mickey Mouse, build new homes for Habitat for Humanity, or just be lazy in scenic surroundings.” Jaimie Hall Bruzenak, Retire to an RV

“I am not retired...I'm way too busy for that...I'm still volunteering my time to wonderful programs and projects. I'm still trying to make a difference in this world.” Hyrum W. Smith, Purposeful Retirement

"Voluntary early retirement gives you a chance to pursue new areas of study.... It's a great opportunity to pursue your goals and dreams while you are still young, energetic, and healthy enough to enjoy them. In addition, retirement may be your last shot at being the person you would like to be." Ernie Zelinski, How to Retire Happy, Wild, and Free

“What does retirement mean now that there are so many opportunities for learning, for caring, for serving? We can redefine aging." Rachel Cowan, Wise Aging

"On the positive side, retirement can be an opportunity to enjoy life in a new way, the right to stop work and do the 1,001 things you've always wanted to do but never had time for, and a chance to give yourself over to new challenges and adventures." Sara Yogev, A Couple's Guide to Happy Retirement

“Just because you are getting older and have retired doesn't mean that you should have less confidence in your abilities. Think about the experience and knowledge that you have gained by all the years you have worked! “Theodore W. Higginsworth

"Maybe the word 'retirement' makes you think of old age, boredom and laziness, but I'd rather have you try think of it as freedom to do what you want, freedom to be as active as you'd like, and even freedom to work the job that you like - to be in a place where money doesn't dictate your choices." Rex Dalen, Early Retirement

"The idea of retirement both excites and terrifies people. After decades of working full-time, visions of throwing out the alarm clock for good are certainly provocative." Belinda Tucker, Creative and Cheap Retirement Lifestyle Options

"In my opinion, a successful retirement takes place when you no longer need to work for money. Rather, the work you do is motivated by higher-level goals and purposes, not income generation." Rand Bennett, Retire Early

“... I firmly believe that the period of life that many still call retirement, which may easily include working, has the potential to be the most treasured time in your life. Julia Valentine, Joy Compass:” How to Make Your Retirement the Treasure of Your Life

“People can't do anything about growing old because it's one of the most natural things in the world, but one thing you can control, though, is how you'll live your life once you're old enough to retire." Adrian J.Williams, Retirement: The Ultimate Retirement Planning Guide!

“No person, at any age, needs to remain on an uninspiring level of accomplishment.” Dr. Norman Vincent Peale, The Positive Principle Today

“A thriving "New Beginning" can be and should be a time for amazing engagement, growth, connections, contributions and increased possibilities.” Lee M. Brower

“The joy of retirement comes in those everyday pursuits that embrace the joy of life; to experience daily the freedom to invest one's life-long knowledge for the betterment of others; and, to allocate time to pursuits that only received, in years of working, a fleeting moment.” Byron Pulsifer

“To some of us, retirement gives us time to follow our dreams.” Shirley Mitchell, Radiant After 70

"As your life changes, it takes time to recalibrate, to find your values again. You might also find that retirement is the time when you stretch out and find your potential." Sid Miramontes, Retirement: Your New Beginning

“Retire from your job but never from meaningful projects”. Stephen R. Covey, The 8th Habit

“... retirement is not an end, but rather a new beginning, an opportunity for growth, creativity, and the discovery of one's authentic self.” George McHenry

“As in all successful ventures, the foundation of a good retirement is planning”. Earl Nightingale

"Retirement is one of those consequential changes in life, it offers us a unique opportunity to start over, to move beyond the past and to once again live forward." Rick Steiner Ph.D., Retirement: Different by Design

"Retiring just so you can do nothing is no way to live life and so from now on, the word retirement will be replaced with the word, graduation." Mike Finley, Graduation!: Retirement Can Be the Best Time in Your Life

“... believe that your greatest contribution is always ahead of you. You might retire from a job, but never retire from making contributions. Indeed, life is about contribution, not accumulation.” Hyrum W. Smith, Purposeful Retirement

“Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A (man) can't retire his experience. He must use it. Experience achieves more with less energy and time.” Bernard Baruch

"The first step to a thriving unretirement is to begin by asking yourself what it is you want to be doing." Chris Farrell, Unretirement

"Retirement may be an ending, a closing, but it is also a new beginning." Catherine Pulsifer

“The key to retirement is to find joy in the little things”. Susan Miller

"With retirement, however, comes a great chunk of free time." Steven D. Price, How to Survive Retirement

There is a whole new kind of life ahead, full of experiences just waiting to happen. Some call it "retirement." I call it "bliss." Betty Sullivan

"Retirement is not about 'finding' ourselves - or losing ourselves in electronic distractions - but about creating a new life for ourselves and those around us. Rick Steiner Ph.D., Retirement: Different by Design

"My formula for a treasured retirement is simple: plan, design, enjoy. "Julia Valentine, Joy Compass

“It can take as long as three years to completely adjust to your retirement. Be patient and know that a new life is awakening within you.” Mark Evan Chimsky, 65 Things To Do When You Retire

"There are so many other interesting ways to spend your time. I feel like early retirement is a gift, but it's such an incredible gift. It's a gift I need to use." Martha Felt-Bardon

"It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man." Professor Scott Elledge

"Retirement as we know it today did not exist prior to the industrialization of various Western democracies." Mike Drak, Victory Lap Retirement

"If you believe that achievement ends with retirement, you will slowly fade away. First of all, keeping the mind active is one way to prolong your life and to enjoy life to its fullest for as long as possible." Byron Pulsifer, End Of Achievement

“.... having a purpose in life is so important in Japanese culture that our idea of retirement simply doesn’t exist there.” Hector García; Francesc Miralles, Ikigai

“We have had many good times, and now as you retire you will make new memories. Enjoy every day and don't forget us!, unfortuanately we will be here for awhile! “Kate Summers

“Stay young at heart, kind in spirit, and enjoy retirement living." Danielle Duckery, Words For The Occasion: Sentiments and Well Wishes

“Retirement life is different because there is no set routine. You are able to let the day unfold as it should. Enjoy, be happy and live each day. “ Suzanne Steel

"As you embark on the exciting journey into retirement, you will experience a transition that will be both thrilling and terrifying." Olivia Greenwell, So You've Retired

"Sit back and relax and do the things you never got a chance to do." Julie Hebert, Retirement Wishes

"Best wishes on your retirement. Enjoy a rest that's overdue.” Take pleasure in the finer things that are awaiting you." Judith Wibberley

"Retire from work, but not from life." M. K. Soni

"Retirement, a time to enjoy all the things you never had time to do when you worked." Catherine Pulsifer

"Congratulations on making it over all the hurdles and reaching that wonderful time of life where you get to do whatever you want." Stella Rheingold, 101 Fun Things to do in Retirement

“Those long hours in the office, every extra hour after the long shifts, every sacrifice, and all the hopes you held onto for so long should now be reminisced in a relaxing, rejuvenating, and enjoyable retirement.” Adrian J.Williams, Retirement

"May you always have work for your hands to do.

May your pockets hold always a coin or two.

May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.

May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.

May the hand of a friend always be near you.

And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you."

Irish Blessing

"It won't be the same around here without you. For you brightened every day. You will be missed but we wish you lots of happiness." Julie Hebert

 Bill Buell adds:

All of the hard days are gone

It's all beer and whiskey and songs from now on

Laugh at the darkness and dance until dawn

All of the hard days are gone

- Kevin McKrell

  I am soooo tempted to write some sarcastic ones after all this positivity, but I need an upbeat follow up on that sad chapter.

When Blue Died

When Blue died on that table
Something in me died too
Some puppy jumper licker biter
Died

I knew I wouldn't outlive another
Dog
But couldn't stand leaving
Any way

I measure my grief in dog days now
Hang dog
Down in the doggy dumps
Just a sick old yeller
Ready to be
Put
Down

The Special Sadness of Retirement

Let's suppose that you are a fairly normal person and that you retire for the last quarter of your life and are not one of those people who retire at age 27.  (I tried retiring when I was 15, but my parents did not approve of my plan.) So you retire closer to the end than the beginning of life and for this reason there are certain events that probably or should bring some kind of sadness. I have detailed some problems of retirement in an earlier blog, but these are issues that lend themselves to sadness:

• Friends have died.
• You have some health issues.
• You have less power (at work) than you did.
• Your looks have degraded a bit.
• Your sex life requires a prescription.
• You miss your music being played on the radio.
• You can't remember something that you think you should have remembered.
• You really shouldn't eat shrimp anymore. (for example)
• Your generation is not in charge of popular culture anymore.  Your idea of Stranger Things is not accurate.

Wait!  There's more!

Yes.  And all these bring some level of sadness, or at least poignancy that usually is not as present in life. I would venture to guess, however, that your vision of the classic person on a psychiatrist's couch is not a sad and depressed older person, but an anxious and driven middle-aged person. Why is this?

Sadness is a hard emotion to fix so it makes us nervous. I try to remember to tell people who have to suffer through a line of well wishers at a funeral home that people will say the most terrible things at a funeral because they really don't know what to say. When you are angry about something, there may be a way to change the world to help with or even use that anger constructively. Sadness is a different animal that sometimes just needs tending. How can the church better tend this animal?

Sadlands

So much gone
Friends, jumping jacks, the smell of dandelions
Hard to keep track of it all
Not that I want to
Dwell in the sadlands
Of dry empty spaces
Where something green once lushed me
I think
Or maybe I just remember
I miss
So much

Sad Words

In the native language of Wales, Alaska, there are about 70 terms for ice, such as: “utuqaq,” the ice that lasts from year to year; “siguliaksraq,” the patchwork layer of crystals that forms as the sea begins to freeze; and “auniq,” the ice that is filled with holes, like Swiss cheese. It would be helpful if Americans had as many words for their emotions. One of the problems with talking about the special sadness that happens in retirement is that we just don’t have the words.

Ok, sure, we have some synonyms:

unhappy, sorrowful, dejected, regretful, depressed, downcast, miserable, downhearted, down, despondent, despairing, disconsolate, out of sorts, desolate, bowed down, wretched, glum, gloomy, doleful, dismal, blue, melancholy, mournful, woeful, woebegone, forlorn, crestfallen, broken-hearted, heartbroken, inconsolable, grief-stricken

Frankly, these don’t get to much of the nuance of sadness that comes from different things, so I am going to make some up!

Missing the things you used to do - disaction
Missing things things you used to do that you hated - dismalaction
Feeling like an alien in a place you used to be comfortable - geocholic
Remembering good times you had with people who are dead or completely gone - ghostache (rhymes with cake)
Sadness with no clear focus - disparation
Sadness that is tinged with anger at the unfairness of something - sangry
Missing who you used to be - retrospondent
Missing an old situation you know was unjust - reminonsense
The sad recognition that there are things you thought you wanted to do that just are not going to happen, a wistfulness for the unachieved - wistalgia (Grace Caputo)
Sadness from saying 'no' to something you want to do but can't - Nyetia
Sadly wondering if someone is dead - quorting
The sad process of making up words because you can't remember the right regular one - lexilorn

If you have any others, drop me a line.

Ask Uncle Bill: Making Friends

Dear Uncle Bill,

In my former career, I had several co-workers I considered friends.  After retirement, it has become increasingly difficult to keep in touch with them.  When we worked together, it was easy to find time for sharing stories, but now, not so much.  Friend time that was previously an excuse not to work is now on the list of all the other obligations of life for them. I miss this camaraderie. I tried showing up a donut time at work just to chat but it was a bit awkward. Any suggestions?  -Friendless in Fonda

Dear Friendless,

In talking to many people about retirement, most of them do not even expect to keep their work friends after they leave. With some exceptions, notably if you stay working a bit, work friends are the product of the environment. You may have had great fun stapling newsletters with coworkers, but may find that enterprise lacks a certain appeal when it is not required of you in order to eat.

This turns out to be a problem because it's a little harder to find friends as we age.  We become just a bit pickier with diets and past times and music and conversational topics and these proclivities may limit our pool of potential friends.  We may have less patience with people who are intolerant of our political opinions.

We may have also simply forgotten how to make friends.  They require at least as much attention as a car.  A friend needs reciprocity, attention, greater focus in times of their struggle, non-judgmental listening, loyal defense to others, noticing of special events, and expressions of appreciation. Whew. After looking at this list, I have come to the conclusion that I am often a rotten friend. But I'm old. Can I use that as an excuse? No? Rats.

We may not hang out in places where people are looking for new social entanglements.  Lingering on a barstool for hours eyeing potential friends sounds a little creepy.  There must be some places that you can find folks with similar interests to replace those who you stapled with.

Social engagement turns out to be important for a satisfactory retirement and may require some initiative on your part to join something or other.  I know people who joins choirs without any singing abilities whatsoever. Don't make me name names.  Largish religious places have all sorts of interests groups regardless of your acceptance of all 143 of their beliefs. Don't forget that there are organizations that turn out to be predominantly social by definition.  Italian, Irish, or Maltese social clubs usually take members in some auxiliary fashion even if you, like me, have no idea what your ethnic roots are. Libraries have great programs even if you can only bear to read headlines in newspapers.  Do I have to go on?  You don't need to have a bunch of credentials to show up someplace to see if it will be a fun place to hang out and meet people that might qualify as a friend.  There are, of course, senior center type places just for this, but I simply can't bear to think of them. I'm not retired yet!

Idle Curiosity

Scratching an intellectual itch may just make it worse. We are accustomed to chasing down every unknown factor in conversations with a quick Googling. The more we do this the less patient we are with not knowing even the smallest bit of trivia. I have noted in my recent leisure, that the more idle time we have, the greater is the tendency to idle curiosity, which hasn't quite killed this cat yet, but very well may someday. When you don't actually have to get a lot done, it is easy to satisfy the longing for informational completeness.

Just in the last day, I have consulted the Google in the sky for several definitions, the lyrics to "Show Me the Way to Go Home" (land, sea, and foam??), the impact of sodium citrate on my kidneys; the difference between a serviceberry and a blueberry; the distinction and treatments for bites from fleas, bedbugs, bird mites, and noseeums; the price of laundry baskets; John Calvin's position on the stewardship of nature; how to salvage moldy cheese; how to pronounce the name of a presidential candidate; and the names of other members of a board I just joined.

I have trouble imagining a world in which I couldn't resolve all these issues with a quick consult with my phone. Will it get worse? Can retirement lead to a paralysis of information input in which we just submerge ourselves in increasingly irrelevant minutiae and am I sure I spelled that right? Just a sec and I'll check.