Depressing Retirement Limericks

Note: Limericks as a genre are not noted for their discretion. These have been edited for general audiences in ways that will be apparent.

There once was an old man named Dick

Who got increasingly sick
Of young girls who sputtered
When his first name was uttered
So retired, he used his last name which was . . . Johnson.


There once was an old guy named Frank
Who had lots of dough in the bank.
He only thought numbers
And now his mind slumbers
And all of his checks are quite blank.


I asked a young widow named Honey
How is was that she had so much money.
She wiggled her rear
And said in my ear
“Pick old men and act like a bunny.”


There now is a con man named Stan
Who has a retirement plan
Consisting of selling
And even compelling
His friends to buy gold in a can


An old man named Jeff had conspired
To work long and not be retired.
He never did save
And thought himself brave
Until he got ill and got fired.


A smart man named Jim and his wife
Killed themselves throughout their life.
They scrimped and they saved
And denied what they craved
And both died quite young from the strife.


There once was a gardener named Sue
Who planned to retire and start new.
She ripped out her plants
And took a new stance
She now stays inside and sniffs glue.


There once was an old man named Billy
Who got increasingly silly.
He wrote awful poetry
Constructed quite shoddily
And wasn’t able to rhyme either.